How you had to submit to Trial By Combat to save your ass from getting fucked.
Following our recent feature on how gay the Roman military was we now head North to the most well-known plunderers, fighters and incredibly successful seamen from Scandinavia where there were very little rules and men were very definitely men under all that fur. Once again lesser men’s asses were free for the taking by more Alpha guys and they never missed a chance at some fur coated butt fucking that is for sure as many Historians document. Their Trial by combat was where it all happened and if you lost then your man ring was in for some serial very hairy Nordic abuse. The race was uber masculine and testerone played right through their culture from top to bottom (especially the bottom) and there are modern day homosexual tropes right through it including the most famous Viking of all and one nowadays known hugely as a key figure in the Marvel film universe who got regularly fucked by a giant male stallion…there is a lot to unpack here.

For our International readership who may not be fully aware of who the Vikings were let’s begin with a brief background. Vikings were the seafaring Norse people from southern Scandinavia (present-day Denmark, Norway and Sweden) who from the late 8th to 11th centuries raided, pirated, traded and settled throughout parts of Europe, and explored westward to Iceland, Greenland, and Vinland in modern day North America where they were the First ever foreign settlers in Newfoundland …a full Two hundred years before Christopher Columbus put down his Fleshjack Ice & his parchment gay pornography, left his teenage bedroom full of wanking tissues & set sail to discover the good old US of A. They in their infamous longboats also went as far afield as North Africa, the Middle East and Mediterranean (They made it all the way to Baghdad according to archaeologists). They were an entirely fighting race all swords, shields and spears like a more macho and probably much muskier smelling Russell ‘Gladiator’ Crowe for rank armpit sniffers and covered head to toe in fur when not openly bare chested. Very renowned for their twin horned helmets the sort of thing an attention seeking cocksucking homo would wear if say he chose to storm the American Senate & Capital building. Besides their look they are also famous for their religion with heaven as Valhalla and their World-famous God’s such as Thor and Odin together with the infamous funeral ritual of being burnt at sea on a raft. Their legend has been honed and somewhat skewed by their popularity in entertainment over the last Two hundred years in such things as the very popular History Channel series from 2013 ‘The Vikings’ now in its 6 season, across many computer games,  on sports teams such as  the Minnesota Vikings and Canberra Raiders and of course movies like Kirk Douglas’s 1958 ‘The Vikings’ Antonio Banderas’s ‘The 13th Warrior’, Beowulf, the MANY Thor films on to Asterix, Erik The Viking and the How To Train Your Dragon movies with even many elements in Game Of Thrones.

In many regular polls Scandinavian men come out as one of the hottest and sexiest types and let’s face it a very tall, blonde outdoors man from Sweden say, would be the top of anyone’s wank bank wish list….from Bjorn Borg to Dolf Lundgren, from Peter Stormare to Fredrik Ljundberg. Therefore, the appeal of Viking men as being lustful ass-shaggers is very high indeed and all that fresh air sure makes the sap rise and flow freely we imagine. Vikings were extremely masculine and like many ancient or medieval societies women were pretty lowly and for producing offspring, cooking and cleaning etc. Their attitudes to homosexuality were pretty good and there was absolutely no shame in it at all provided you were the top. As for oral sex there is no formal research published about it being seen as shameful to be in either roll and as they just plain worshipped semen (see later) it is likely that sucking a fellow Viking’s throbbing cock to completion would be seen as nothing short of a very good thing indeed. So basically, it seems that all Viking men fucked other men but they could not have a Gay relationship for life. Their priority was to produce kids and have a family so being with a woman was absolutely necessary but it did not matter if he was knobbing half of the Longboat as long as he stuck his dick in the fishmongers shop occasionally to produce kids. It was perfectly fine to have a long-term gay relationship which would almost certainly not be monogamous (Too many Viking asses, too little time) once you were older and had raised a family, so basically Vikings were a horned-up race of cumswapping daddies as this was of course well before anyone had thought of condoms or prophylactics and also no-one had ever discussed the topic of douching so these guys were well used to having a ‘brown helmet’ or Two. If you were impotent you were known as a ‘soft cat’ and it was fine to be gay from 14yo until Valhalla called, you to your floating blue balled funeral pyre.

There was absolutely nothing shameful about being a Viking faggot and burying your Scandinavian sausage wherever you wanted as long as you were the Top. Homosexuality was seen as certainly not against nature but it did greatly have an effect or indicate a man’s strength. Being submissive, getting fucked or being put to the cock was seen as ‘weak’ and to these guys strength was everything. There were many gay prostitutes and these were seen as very lowly guys unlike today where we look up to with salivating mouths and follow online in the hundreds of thousands the likes of Cutler X, Dallas Steele & Viktor Rom etc.  They had a simple analogy that if you fucked you were more Alpha and more likely to be a ‘Leader’ if you took one up the ass for Stockholm, Copenhagen or Oslo United you were seen as a ‘Follower’ pure and simple. Which brings us to ‘The Rope Line’.

Assassin’s Creed


This is how the Vikings sorted the men from the boys. Before they went on a raid or ‘sacked’ a town or City they would have a trial by combat. A rope line was laid down on the ground and groups of men up to about 20 (Orgy numbers) would fight with wooden swords and shields and the Vata’s (losers) would go to One side of the line and the ‘Vinnas’ (Winners) the other. All the Vata’s were followers into battle and all Vinnas were leaders and were superior in every way and could do what they like with the losers and order them to do whatever they wish which Firstly meant that all the losers would be bent over and shafted deep with raw superior Viking leader cock often 4 tops at a time (where is a time machine when you need one?). Long before the likes of our modern-day sporty porn studios at Wrestling Male and‘s ‘ultimate surrender’ held contests where the prize on the line was the losers unprotected fuckhole the Scandinavians were already at the forefront of ‘loser gets nalied’. After a successful battle enemies were traditionally and almost always raped up the ass and this included both the men and women as going in the ‘Wrong hole’ was seen as more pleasurable to vaginal fucking. This was regarded as the ultimate humiliation before they entered a life of slavery. Enemies would also often be castrated by a sword blade as others watched as this was seen as unmanning the victim but of course did not kill him and preclude him from a life of service. The other act that was done to an enemy was a ‘Shame Stroke’ on his ass which was a very deep cut across the cheeks leaving a permanent mark a bit like a Saturday afternoon at RopeTrainKeep’s dungeon then.

Everything in Viking culture was ruled by their Gods and the belief system they had in them which was all powerful. Many of the Viking Gods were Gay, out and proud which greatly helped its acceptance. Loki possibly the most famous of all and the star of 8 Marvel Universe movies in the last decade portrayed superbly by Tom Hiddleston was without question bisexual as was Thor believed to be ( Loki’s interest in screwing hairy hole was left out of the movies but we hope and expect it to be firmly covered in the currently filming ‘Loki’ TV series coming later in the Year). Most famously in Norse Law Loki who can change forms turned into a female horse and as a mare enjoyed getting shafted repeatedly by a giant male stallion called Svladilfari and he then gave birth to a foal which we may have just missed in our copy of Avengers Assemble. Another Norse God well known through modern movies is Valkyrie who was Lesbian and in the Thor Ragnarok film a scene with a woman leaving her bedroom after sex was cut presumably to placate middle America where same sex relationships are difficult to swallow unlike say NASCAR being exciting, chewing tobacco and fucking your Sister. An Icelandic hero, Grettir was well-known and is said to have had sexual intercourse with “maidens and widows, everyone’s wives, farmers’ sons, deans and courtiers, abbots and abbesses, cows and calves, indeed with near all living creatures,” a bit like a 10th Century Silver Steele or Drew Dixon then yet no one attached opprobrium to Grettir because of his vast, and omnisexual, prowess.

The Viking God Freyer famously stated that ‘ A Man’s strength comes from semen’ and taking a man’s semen is ‘absorbing his essence’ which is something we can wholly get on board with so men were encouraged to spread their man batter to other men as in the fighting World strength is everything and no-one in the Viking World needed strong women. So spunk means muscles according to the Gods so then it had to be inseminated up the ass regularly and often or down the throat and most importantly of all none was to be spilt or wasted as that was sacrilege which should be posted above the door of the dark rooms in Mutchmann’s, The Boots, Touche or Ramrod. This was wise indeed as we now know spunk or jizz is the second-best source of natural protein behind egg white and the main constituant of muscle so should be taken on board whenever and as often as possible. It should be drilled into all modern day fit straight guys not yet trained in sucking a knob that absorbing another man’s essence (i.e. baby batter/seed or white stuff)  through any available orifice is really really good and beneficial for them and has been scientifically proven as well as evidenced right across History so bend over and let’s get that straight ass virginity binned…’s for your own good.

In the 12th Century similar to the Roman era the arrival of Christianity and Christianisation especially Catholicism started to change things negatively for the wonderful World of Viking manring expansion where Gay was seen as against the Christian God, laws and nature. Any Viking whether topping or bottoming another man would be flogged and shamed yet the horny macho boatmen continued to bury their huge boners in Viking butt as we all know that Once you have had sex with a hot fit guy a woman’s pussy is a very poor Seventh choice after a decent wank or boning a melon/pumpkin/warm pie/sex sleave/hole in the wall. Look for future AT features on gay History and Homosexuality very soon meanwhile we would like to thank the guys at Fordham University who helped with this piece and certainly know what Viking men liked to do with their big 10 inch Swedish or Norwegian man meat. 


Written by Paul Stag

Paul is an international porn star and a long time editor for Alphatribe magazine.


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