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THE TOP 10 GAYEST ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER SCENES EVER.

Following our recent Jason Statham and Tom Cruise Top 10’s (And boy did you guys like that latter one judging by online feedback…are you trying to tell us something?) we move on to the movie star that simply does not own any shirts whatsoever. As you will have seen across numerous Terminator’s, Conan The Barbarian’s, Commandos, Predator’s, Expendables etc Arnie is never happier than when he is topless for a 2-hour movie running around sweating with as many other muscle men as he can squeeze into the wafer thin plots.

The former Mr Olympia Boddy Builder, turned hugely successful actor and then politician has been in our lives for 5 decades but how gay is he?. Just looking at that last sentence a bodybuilder who lives in male gyms every day showering with endless men, followed by a Hollywood actor then a Republican Politician which seems about as queer as Michelle Visages butt plug covered in glitter from E-Stim – that is the 3 gayest careers right there as let’s face it we have never come across any gay bodybuilders, actors or politicians have we? (All he needs to do is take up dancing and enter a tittle contest and he will have the full set of gay cards. Arnie is the star of many great ‘straight’ films such as Raw Deal, The San Pedro Beach Bums, Sex At 24 Frames Per Minute and Conan The AssDestroyer (The last one we have adjusted slightly in line with our wanking fantasies). There have long been rumours about his orientation although he has now been married for a while, fuelled largely by his self-created  image which is as gay as a Mr Puppy contest talent round and particularly his early days before he became famous. He admitted in 2012 that as a teenager he had pictures of nude men all over his walls whilst all his friends had girlie pictures which got him a beating from his father with a belt for being Gay and his Mother asked a doctor what to do about it as she thought he was Gay also. 

Bodybuilders in the 60’s and 70’s did not have a lot of cash to say the least and many sucked dick or escorted to get funds for their training, gym memberships, contest fees and endless body supplements. Alongside this is the well-established ‘body worshipping for cash’ World which has existed since the dawn of time and is still massive today. Basically, rich gay mentors pay for the muscle training of guys they like often just getting private flexing shows in exchange and pictures which probably need to be laminated early on (some provide extra’s and happy endings). In the 60’s Arnie had one such  worshipping fan in British gay millionaire John Dixey and at the peak of his career winning a record breaking 7 Mr Olympia Titles in 1977 he was partially bank rolled by a hugely successful gay Spanish Millionaire photographer who had him for a long weekend in Sunny Andalusia taking pictures which of course became the backbone of Arnie’s first nude picture spread in gay pornographic magazine ‘After Dark’. The pictures are easy to find and are an eyeful to say the least let’s just say His ‘Predator’ and ‘Twins’ are classic bodybuilders (smaller than Miny Me’s meat and 2 veg) and his ‘Last Stand’ may go somewhat unnoticed by all (He is no Barrett Long that’s for sure). He was very against same-sex marriage and had and did some pretty homophobic things whilst as Governor of California in line with the standard Republican gay bashing mindset but then he mellowed and even officiated at civil ceremonies maybe it was a rehearsal for an upcoming Linsay Graham and anyone of a hundred random escorts ceremony….who knows Regardless he is a great looking guy if you are into muscles, accents and poor acting and with hours and hours of him shirtless, in just tight underwear, naked, flopping his steroidal cock about  etc across his entire filmed career it was hard to pick his 10 gayest moments as let’s face it he his entirely nude 6 times and that is just in the Terminators alone but here are the moments to seek out on YouTube/Netflix or DVD so ‘Get Me To Your Choppa’ ‘Come With Me If You Want To live’ & ‘Hasta La Vista Butt fuckers’.

10 THE LONG GOODBYE – Let’s start with his two earliest movies when basically he would do anything for money presumably as this dodgy cameo in an OK movie prooves. In this Elliott Gould Phillip Marlowe hit Arnie is in a very weird scene where the leader of a gang of hoods tells them all to ‘Take Their Clothes Off’ so as not to be embarrassed about male bodies and showering together with other masculine guys – this is hardly Tony Soprano territory. Arnie strips to some ugly pants and looks straight at the camera like an amateur – we have seen more professional performances and better acting from gay porn pizza deliver boys or excessively hung porn plumbers.

9 HERCULES IN NEW YORK – His first ever movie and god it is bad. The title of the film tells you everything except that the Greek God then starts a bodybuilding business in Manhattan because why wouldn’t he !!. Hardly any clothes on the Austrian oak throughout but look for him making his tits dance etc just before he throws the javelin in Central Park. The acting looks like it is straight from the Rob Scheider/Tyler Perry/Steve Guttenberg school of performing arts and basically you will see more interesting turds in a Folsom portaloo than this.

8 JUNIOR – Remember when Arnie started doing comedy – we still shudder at the thought of Kindergarten Cop. Junior was the second Arnie film with Danny DeVito and this is the high concept/low returns one where the future anti-gay marriage Governor gets pregnant my mixing his sperm with an egg in his ass or something. Full of lines relating to Arnie’s spunk like ‘You have good swimmers’ and ‘you have a big load, way to go fella’ will make you feel you are halfway through a RawFuckClub Film. ‘Let’s put a bun in your oven’ Devito says etc etc and so it goes on together with the obligatory shirt off scans etc this is as erotic as Mike Pence naked snowballing loads on and back to Mitch McConnel in a gimp mask behind the Senate Chair.

7 THE TERMINATOR – Basically all Terminators arrive back in the 80’s naked in that iconic crouched position, then they have to hunt for clothes naked in various places fresh from the Village People, the leather bar, the cowboy bar, the truck stop etc. In the original he lands at the legendary Griffiths Observatory overlooking LA walks around naked and you clearly get to see his cock (magnifying glasses not supplied) as he approaches 3 punks looking for clothing. In the 6th film of the series they re-enact the same entrance scene’s where a clothed Arnie has been waiting for the naked one and before he has a chance to get clothes, we get an all-out nude butt a kimbo fight with himself. Fists not of the fun type are regularly utilised.

6 TERMINATORS 2 THROUGH 5. Same set-up the Austrian body builder who is contracted to get naked in all his movies is on repeat like a Las Vegas stripper on double shifts. T2 he enters a leather bar naked –  well we have all been there and it looks like either The Ramrod, The Boots or Touche, has a cigar put out on his nipple which might make it a bit more like a Friday night at the Eagle, Dallas or Laboratory and then strips a guy down to his underpants. In Terminator Genisys he is naked out in the desert making his way to a Cowboy bar where they are playing the Village People hit macho man to ram home the point. He is mistaken for a male stripper then fights the real male stripper telling him of course as always to ‘Take Of his Clothes’ like a Darklands double booking between Rocco Steele and Drew Dixon getting nasty. Great ass shot too where he is crossing the road and if not gay enough, he don’s Elton John glasses.

5 – RED HEAT – The opening sauna and subsequent fight is undoubtedly Armies most homoerotic moment on screen. All the men who are as muscular as fuck stroll around for ages in just a thong for modesty and there is tonnes and tonnes of mansweat. After a bit of male bonding and looking, touching each other and more ass shots than you get at the Kentucky derby or on a 100 badly lit Only Fans gay clips we get the nude fight. Arnie takes on Two horned up thugs in a naked punch up which progresses from the sauna out into the snow and it all looks as gay as fuck. This is to set up the character as a hard man but it just takes the ‘hard’ part a bit too literally. 

4 – TWINS – The original Arnie and Devito match up and his best comedy is of most interest for the infamous shower scene. Arnie’s love interest comes home to find him singing the coasters Yakety Yak in the shower and then he climbs out and starts towelling himself dry leaving very little to the imagination….and it goes on and on and on. The scene is wholly unnecessary but as we know with guys that live in the gym they want every possibility, every chance of a selfie of themselves or chance to look in the mirror at their own bodies daily or hourly and at this stage in his career Arnie was gonna show off his physique in every film regardless as to whether it fits or not and he was the boss. He was also aware from his bodybuilding days that he had a very large gay following who needed to see arse, muscle, nips and sweat at regular 8-minute intervals through his films.

3 EXPENDABLES 3 – The macho action series starring Sly Stallone, Jason Statham, Mel Gibson, Bruce Willis, Harrison Ford, Van Damme, Dolf Lundgren, Jet Li, Wesley Snipes, Antonio Banderas and every steroid wrestler turned wannabe actor you can think off in a high protein, high farting set with heavy testerone  loads of machismo, big guns and exciting biscuit games, actioner. With that amount of muscle aimed totally at a male cinema audience it seemed strange to make two of the characters gay but that’s the way director Patrick Hughes went. He chose Arnie and kung fu star Jet Li to be the movies assfukkas. Trench and Yin Yang even cuddle in a bar at the end with Sly suggesting ‘You Guys Want To Get A Room’ to which the openly gay Arnie character says ‘We Don’t Need A Room’ indicating that they were more than happy to suck dick openly in the pub in front of everyone else – especially a jealous Bruce Willis. Expendables 4 is now in development and we expect one of the gay lovers to have their dildo collection stolen requiring a vigilante trip to South America with high body and ass count through the roof to get back Arnie’s favourite ‘Cutler X 11 inch prostate massager and XXL set of anal beads.

2 PUMPING IRON – Now we get to Arnie’s Two bodybuilding movies which are so so straight in nobodies mind whatsoever. Pumping Iron is a part documentary/part acted film of Arnie’s 6th attempt in 1975 to win the Mr Olympia contest (which he did) against some young skinned chicken and protein shake upstarts and number one rival Lou Farino who would later of course become the Incredible Hulk who himself constantly lost his clothes when he got angry except for some reason is shorts to protect the uncut mini Hulkster. The whole movie is as homoerotic as a lubed up cucumber on the top shelf of your fridge with a couple of highlights being the ‘oiling up each other on a bed’ scene ‘ can you go lower’ ‘and rub it in more’ (Nothing to see here we are just 2 Hetero guys being very normal and are not interested in each others asses at all…well pre-match anyway!) and a ludicrous scene in a Californian prison where Arnie strips and poses almost naked for all the prisoners in their yard (This was pre Grindr) and he does not even get any Gogo tips in his jock. One prisoner catches Arnie’s eye and our hero tells him to ‘Come Over And I Will Give You A Kiss’. It is rumoured that he then spent the rest of the day with the lads in the showers playing the ‘Who drops the soap gets a gaped asshole game’.

1 STAY HUNGRY – Just watch it as we cannot do it justice in a few lines. Jeff Bridges the star keeps his shirt on for the whole time and Arnie of course does the opposite (Boy does he love showing of his body to a psychological damaged extent). Thwe plot is about cops going undercover in an all-male gym which we bet a few porn studios wished they had thought of that one. There is so much homoeroticism here but it peaks as 30 guys burst out of the gym like a Fame music video in just underwear and chase Arnie wearing even less down the street. Then they decided to get on top of a bus to do what looks like the chorus from YMCA in their undies for some ‘straight’ reason like the worst Pride Parade ever and then it gets even more weird as the motorcycle cops turn up and more clothes fall off and the excitement level reaches gay fever pitch. Gay, gay, GAY, incredibly gay and cannot be viewed any other way as they seem to all be auditioning for a Falcon or TitanMen film which we believe they would all get except for the ones with the minute steroid cocks (which is probably 29 of the 30of  them). 

Master

Written by Paul Stag

Paul is an international porn star and a long time editor for Alphatribe magazine.

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