The dos and don’ts of darkrooms

#6 Don’t hog slings

There is a shortage of slings in most darkrooms due to space. They are for guys who want some serious wrist-riding action. Jump into one when you have found a top willing to do a full cavity search of both your outer and inner rings. Don’t lie there all night as if you are on a beach with a good book. This is the most common complaint about sex players in venues. If you have no action after five minutes in the sling, get out and move on. If two guys ask if they can use it, get up. You haven’t paid to hire it, and the organisers certainly did not erect it exclusively for your use.

#7 Don’t be a dickhead

You can’t believe how many people go into a darkroom and hold a conversation. This is the fuck zone. If you want to catch up on the day’s events, stay in the bar rather than blocking the flow in the play area and putting a downer on the horny vibe. Which reminds us – don’t block the through routes – ever! The number of guys we see drop to their knees for sex in the most stupid of places is astonishing. It pisses everyone else off and the sex is always crap if you have people climbing over you to get by. And never take valuables into the darkroom. They will fall out of your pockets. Most of all, don’t ever get out your smartphone. It’s illegal, it’s rude, no-one wants the light from your screen ruining their night. We don’t want glaring screens in the cinema and we don’t want them in a darkroom.

#8 Don’t assume BB

Ten years ago, everyone’s default was to rubber up and be safe. If a guy asked you to fuck him, you reached for the condoms and lube. After the almost universal adoption of PrEP (some figures indicate more than 85 percent of casual sex players take the pill whether poz or neg), most now want to play bareback. The default darkroom position has switched 180-degrees to raw. But there are many guys who still want to play safe. Don’t assume that a guy wants bareback. Have condoms with you and be prepared to use them. And don’t be shocked or walk off if a guy asks for safe or puts a rubber on your dick. Throughout the 80s, 90s, and 00s we had great safe sex with rubbers. It was horny and felt fucking good. So fuck raw/safe – just fuck often, long, and hard and get the agreement of all parties.

#9 Don’t be a voyeur

We all know the type. The guys who gather round any sex action hoping to join in or just watch. Go and have some sex yourself. Of course, darkroom groups are hot. Nothing will make you cum faster than a guy on each nip with another one sucking your dick whilst a fourth is rimming your breakfast out and a fifth guy is kissing you so passionately that marriage is probably on the cards. Yet there is a big difference between becoming part of a hot, instantly created, anonymous group of willing participants and being the annoying guy getting your jollies watching other peoples’ intimate moments. Look for the signs and know when you are not wanted. While we’re here – if you like piss, don’t take up every urinal in the wet zone. Many guys just want to piss without getting their shaft covered by the piss from 10 other guys.

#10 Don’t bring mates

Darkrooms are for frequent, casual, anonymous sex. If you cannot be away from your partner for an hour, then don’t waste everybody’s time in the fuck area. Cling to him at the bar instead. If you do decide to visit the sex space, agree to meet later. But go and have some fun! The most unapproachable guys in a darkroom are the ones going around as a pair or in a group. No-one can separate you from your buddies and no-one gets shagged. You are just taking up space and making others feel uncomfortable. You’re much more likely to get lucky if you’re alone.


Written by Paul Stag

Paul is an international porn star and a long time editor for Alphatribe magazine.


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