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The dos and don’ts of darkrooms

If you are reading Alphatribe, then you know what a darkroom is, and you’ve been in many. But just in case, the dictionary defines a darkroom as: ‘A darkened room, sometimes located in a nightclub or sex club, where sexual activity can take place. When located in bars, darkrooms are also known as backrooms or black rooms. Some darkrooms incorporate black, blue, or red lights.’ They come in every shape and size from smaller than your bathroom (think The Hole at Jackhammer in Chicago) to the two-tiered fuck city at Darklands in Antwerp or the industrial labyrinths of a Berlin Pig party. You probably have your own way of working the room. But here are a few tips that might help you get more action and minimise how much of your valuable time you need to spend away from the bar, dancefloor, and your mates.

#1 Clean that booty

If you are a bottom then prepare (or ‘dress for dinner’ as douching is known as in polite ‘Downton Abbey-esque’ circles). Bottom porn stars begin planning their food intake two days prior to being deep drilled by Jay Red or Tim Kruger. They have specific douching routines which they have built up over time and that work for them. (There are two extensive guides to douching available in previous editions of Alphatribe – you can find them all on our website.) Getting dirt on a top’s dick is likely to stop the fucking and put you and him out of action. And he won’t be coming back to your dirty unprepared hole anytime soon. It’s also an unpleasant smell for your fellow darkroom deviants.

#2 Have sex

Everybody is in there for one thing – endless anonymous gay sex on repeat. Go for it. Set yourself a target to play with someone or suck a dick every 15 minutes. And adapt your standards and interests. In our experience, most ‘average’ guys are much, much better sex than many muscle gods who think the world is lucky to be in their presence. Try some new sex acts, fetish tribes, and types of men. If it is not working for you, just say thanks politely and move on to the next pig.

#3 Stand still

Constantly walking around is a huge negative in larger darkrooms. We know you’re all hoping that Dwayne Johnson, Taron Egerton, or a pro sports star is just around the corner with his 15-inch dick out, but it’s a fool’s game. Stand still! If you stay in one place you will see everyone in the darkroom at some point. Pick a place where you can comfortably do the sex you want, but not in the middle of a busy corridor. If you are fussy, pick a bright area – under an exit sign for example. That way you have a chance to see what you are getting. If you never refuse a load or a dick, then head for the mega-dark space (which every good darkroom will have). We bet those who are continually on the move get less action than guys who pick a spot and get on with it for a couple of minutes.

#4 Dress right

Darkrooms are hot sweaty places and guys want to get at your mouth, nips, cock, and ass. Make the coat check your first stop. Get rid of your dancefloor look and get sex ready. You are entering a zone which exists for one purpose: sex. Whether that’s fucking, sucking, fisting, or rimming, you need your flesh on show and your holes in easy access mode. Most play spaces are fucking hot, so a jock, or shorts and harness/waistcoat will be a lot more comfortable. And guys can see what you are offering. Get your cockring on and your butt plug out. Squirt your breath freshener, jerk your cock erect, and start collecting loads. If you’re up for it, naked is even better and you’ll have the most success.

#5 Declare interest

Nobody really uses the hanky code anymore, so you have to do it with body language. That means you must think about how you stand, make eye contact, and smile. If you are top, make it obvious. Stand with presence or get your dick out, stroke it hard and show the subs what they’re in for. If you are a sub, find a fuck bench, drop your pants and bend over or lean against a wall. Make eye contact as a guy walks by. It’s the universal sign for ‘I’m interested’ or ‘on heat’. Break into a smile so he knows you have noticed him. 

The other universal sign of interest is a very gentle touch to the ass or nipples. Keep it unoffensive. Often you won’t get a response, but don’t worry – everyone gets many rejections. George Michael once spent two hours in a darkroom without any action. The guy who passes you by may have just cum and be heading out, or maybe he’s into another tribe. Play spaces are a rainbow of interests – there will be someone who shares yours.

Master

Written by Paul Stag

Paul is an international porn star and a long time editor for Alphatribe magazine.

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