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GAY SEX IN LOCKDOWN

For the first two months of the year everybody was busy shagging around MAL, Beef Dip, Gay Mardi Gras and all our favourite dark rooms, fetish bars with all our hot title holders, porn stars and kinksters like Republicans at a glory hole club and then a couple of folks got on a plane to from China and the entire fetish world stopped as suddenly as a post ejaculatory guilt hit and it was just as messy. The Far East and Asia went into lockdown followed by Europe, The America’s and the rest of the World in turn. We were all told to stay indoors with hopefully our partners, families or flat mates and watch our casual sex lives go up in smoke like the black window drape bonfire at the end of IML. Our computers brought us daily bad news of the cancellation of CLAW, Sleazy Madrid, Easter Berlin Week, IML twice and then all our Prides and both Folsom’s etc. Every country had different regulations from name one official sexual hook-up partner in the Netherlands (402 guys named Logan Moore! apparently) to an outright sex ban in the UK (Less Brexit and more CockBlockIt) with gloves, masks and as much protective gear as you could get on preferably full coverage like an average Mister Rubber contestant with added gas mask popper inhaler. So we started 3 long months concentrating on our partners hole like an eternal Breaking Bad/Game Of Thrones box set binge watch – the one and only hole we were allowed if we were that lucky backed up with a fair bit off jerking off……well actually a fucking massive amount of jerking off producing daily an Atlantic Ocean amount of man spunk into unwilling socks and tissues leaving us with friction burns on our cock and severe wrist strain. Greta Thunberg has suggested that in future rather than wind power as the ultimate energy source just shut down gay fetish men’s events and connect up their many jerk off sessions to sort the Worlds energy needs and save the Polar Bears and sort climate change in one go. Our norm became ‘social distancing’ with either 1m or 2m being recommended which for those not into metrification is Cutler X’s cock plus Rocco Steeles cock plus Michael Roman’s cock or 2 of each but casual fucking & hook ups were so 2019.

SO HOW DID WE GET ON?

The stats show that we had an awful lot more sex and we reconnected greatly with our loved ones. Also many guys broke their daily wanking record some more than doubling their previous personal best into ever stiffing towels and old shirts . Gay Porn was a massive help with our consumption of massive cocks going into ever tinier and more airtight holes on our 40″ flatscreens increasing by a whopping 250% and it is nice to know that our favourite porn stars are always there for us even in a pandemic. Another favourite pastime was online shopping with top of the list at fetish stores being sex toys and online retailers had a boom like Christmas and Dolf Dietrich’s birthday all rolled into one showing an increase across the board of 82%. The biggest seller was Fleshjack’s and similar wanking aid’s to give our wrists a rest presumably followed very closely by dildo’s especially according to official figures very big asstretchers being in particular high demand but that may have just been because Ashley Ryder, Axel Abysse and Brian Bonds got their furlough cheques early. The official number one sex position was doggy style as apparently after a while even we did not want to see our partners faces whilst busting our nut and the biggest fetish upturn by 51% was Role Play as we attempted to keep the same partner sex interesting – There was a particular spike in fetish superhero costumes sold as apparently a lot of guys fantasised about being Batman and taking one deep in the bat cave from either Superman or Captain America or even better both at the same time. 

Our events went virtual with club nights doing live events with their star DJ’s producing fresh sets alongside live sex shows and the big events like CLAW were uber successful online as were the well received GRABBY American Gay Porn Awards with all the winners accepting from home which meant a lot more flesh and naughtiness was on show. One of the biggest successes was Fetish Vision where guys across the globe all dressed at home in kinkwear to cheer on and vote for their favourite fetish song performance based on the popular Eurovision song contest format with the eventual winners being France but the real winner was the event itself showing massive inclusion at a time of extreme separation. Our hook up Apps went into mothballs with heavy warnings against meeting anyone outside of your home bubble and not social distancing by burying a bone in an anon manhole. Many Apps indeed just blocked access. Gay porn stopped filming completely falling back on to their stock of films awaiting release whereas the fansites who don’t have that luxury just stood still. Our escorts business dried up faster than a sub’s hole when he finds out the client about to penetrate him is Donald Trump and it was without question the worst of times for all.

Yet we got inventive – Here are THE OFFICIAL TOP 10 HOUSEHOLD OBJECTS WE TOOK INTO OUR SEX LIVES DURING QUARANTINE according to the survey on  TV Channel 4.

10 Glass Table – we guess with one guy underneath and the other above – spread that ass or shoot that cum like polish.

9 Vacuum Cleaners – the old stand by to jerk off with but please remember to empty all 3 sacks fully at the end.

8 Bottles – Another old favourite that we like to ram up our chuff’s on the quiet – Top choice being a Jack Daniels bottle, second the old style ribbed Coke one.

7 Fruit & Veg – obviously no cucumber stood a chance when the curfews came as they were all anus bound but cut Melon’s etc to simulate a man ass were also much used.

6 Broomsticks – Basically anything we could stick up us as the weeks without cock crawled on and our holes started ceasing up as fast as Joe King or Jeff Tucker’s wallet at a bar.

5 Dirty Laundry – Both our own and anybody else’s in our building with special emphasis on used underpants and very used socks – a worn jock was pure gold dust.

4 Mirrors – Apparently, we like to look at ourselves as we fuck, jerk and insert baseball bats, traffic cones or whatever is to hand up our ever plient love tunnels.

3 Rubber Gloves – All Governments recommended them and good gay boys do as they are told – great for stroking your man’s musculature or even better to bring yourself off with.

2 Scarves and Belts – Purely and simply gay men like bondage and if you cannot get to a dark room or dungeon then improvise with things from your wardrobe and your bed post.

1 Spatulas & Wooden Spoons – The only thing more than bondage that gay men like is being beaten and if there are no whips and canes handy then head to the kitchen cutlery draw.

LOCKDOWN HANKEY CODE

As lockdown eases and we enter the new normal where things will be very different for a while – Silver Steele will stop eating ass, Ralph Bruneau will wear clothes, John O’Brien will stop singing, Patrick Marmion will discover his G-spot, Jack Chang will start playing Abba & begin a karaoke night, James Lee  will start doing gay porn, Drew Dixon will stop doing gay porn and there will be somebody sane in the White House meanwhile a new lockdown hanky code has emerged.

Dark Blue – Looking for hand sanitizer

Light Blue – Has hand sanitizer

White – Available for online sex

Dark Purple – Looking for quarantine buddy

Light Purple Looking to swap quarantine buddy for one less loose

Red – Supports Front Line Workers

Black – Supports local business’s

Cream – Has fridge full of frozen cum

Paisley –  Hole needs re opening from scratch

Yellow – Have food delivery slots for sale

Brown – Not had sex for 12 weeks

Orange – Has Netflix & Disney Plus

Indigo – Cock out of action – masturbation acident

Red/White Stripes – Have Toilet Roll to sell

Green – Support my fansite

Pink – I don’t wash my hands

Beige – Working from home mainly porn and jerking

Grey – Just finished quarantine.

Cheque – Laid off and will work for cum.

It was extremely sad that we lost some of our amazing fetish brothers during the pandemic who will never be forgotten not least of all the king of European Leather Mr Daniel Dumont but we will and are getting through this to brighter gay beaches, hotter clubs and darker dark rooms lying just ahead. Hopefully most events and gay fetish business’s will return if not all and we must support them with every fibre we have. Hopefully the worst is behind us and in future we will appreciate what we have even more and the incredible time we spend in each other’s company and asses. 

Master

Written by Paul Stag

Paul is an international porn star and a long time editor for Alphatribe magazine.

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